Die! and that’s it

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Have you ever thought of “why am I trapped in this body?” while staring at yourself in the mirror. Or even “how did I get here?” or “is it even my body?” Since I was four feet tall, I had this kinda strange thinkings. I’d sit in front of the bathroom mirror for 15 minutes and started wondering “this is not me. This kid appearing on the other side of mirror, he’s not me. ‘I’ am inside him! I’m trapped. I didn’t choose this body.” and worst of all, knowing that I’ll be dragged along wherever this guy’s going, whatever the guy in the mirror’s doing, scared the seven shades of crap out of me and always ended up shaking my head side to side quickly just to shake off this scary happening. Time passed by and now I’m 30. But that particular feeling won’t go away. It’s still haunting me, not every time I look into the mirrors but occasionally it does come back in my head and i still have to shake it off of my head. Why was I scared of myself? Because it definitely isn’t me or myself. If there’s a company making lives, there must be two departments for assembling this process. One makes bodies and the other, SOULS. They don’t get along sometime the bodies and souls. At least not all the time. However, I’m having even worst thoughts now a days. Let’s say we’re trapped in this body, can’t get out, we are destined to serve this bloody good for nothing bodies which give us pain, hunger, toothache, cancer, herpes and all that shits. But it all seems fine compared to my new dreadful assumings.

What if our souls are gonna be still trapped even after the bodies died?

Well , it sounds a bit more serious , doesn’t it? What if the bodies are temporary and minds or souls are forever? Think about it,’re dead, someone cover your body with white cloth, put you in a locker of that freezing room along with other bodies and you can still feel every single detail. You can hear your relatives and spouse crying beside you and a minute later you are locked in a cold metal box knowing that there could be another unknown dead body lying in the box beside yours. Then may be they’ll cut-open your belly and chest for post-mortem examinations without any kind of anesthesia. They think you’re dead, in fact you are, but not as dead as you should be and you can still sense every cut and suture. I can keep on writing more details but I’m sure you got the figure. So let’s say they finally burry you, leave you alone in the dark coffin six feet underground, go back home and watch TV while ur body’s probably eaten by worms. I’ve gone too far. You and I both know that there’s no one to assure you this isn’t gonna happen nor true. What if it’s what they call “hell’? There’s no way you can know what’s gonna happen after you die unless you die. And by the time you are dead, it’s too late right? So it comes to my senses that the meaning of life is just to forget about your death while you’re living it because thinking about death and such terrible things everyday is just not right. Life’s something in between one problem and another while death is one of the problems you’ll surely meet. But trying to accept it is not as easy as it seems cause you believed this is your body after all. With or without your will, You’ve taken it. You picked it up and you’ll let it go. Its hard to let something go especially when it’s the body you’ve carried around for decades. For me, it’s not the body which I don’t wanna let go. It’s the MEMORIES I perceived along with this very body that I’m obsessed with. The sights I’ve seen, the smells I smelled, the people I’ve met and even loved.,,they are all too much to let go. After all, it’s just a tiny memory bit saved up in a corner of your head but it takes us a lifetime to reach that far.

I wish I could finish this essay with a bit more pleasant ending but I can’t. Like it or not we’re in this already. It sucks that soul and body come as a package. Not sure which one captured which first, but we are the victims of the stupid process as we noticed it. All the answers seem blur and undefined. Nothing is concrete. We are floating and will keep on floating. So let’s hope there’s nothing after death. Death alone is sick enough already right?What can possibly be worse than that? Toothache? Like it or not, It is our duty to keep our minds and bodies stay in harmony before we die. Life is a gift and death is unexceptional. They come in pairs. You don’t know how you got in but you surely know you’ll get out one day. Living could be a struggle but then again dying ain’t that hot either. Too bad our choices are ridiculously limited. But people said “better out than in” didn’t they?